(above: Anne, Timon, Oona and I)Oona arrived right on time, her due date, January 31. My water broke at 4am, and contractions began immediately. I insisted Timon get some more sleep while I was determined to have a "normal" morning ritual: shower, tea, and breakfast. I wanted to be ready for labor day! As I hopped in the shower I was suddenly compelled to shave my legs for the first time in eight months. So, in between contractions, I was frantically shaving my legs, and feeling very amused at whatever hormones prompted such an impulse.
I never made it downstairs for breakfast. The contractions were intense, right away, and about 5 minutes apart immediately. Timon got out of bed at 6, not having slept a wink, and I asked him to get me some tea - at least tea! but I couldn't keep it down, nor anything else for that matter. We called our amazing doula, Kali, who ran my yoga teacher training program and is so dear to me, and she took the train up to meet us at home. Timon called our expert midwife, Anne, who said to let her know when the contractions became more intense. Kali arrived around 9am, and had me walk up and down the stairs to get things moving. Timon was filling the birth tub, set up in the dining room, and Kali didn't want me to get in yet as sometimes it can slow down the birth. But I was begging to be in water, so she let me stand in the shower. Anne called back and wanted to hear the contractions, and I talked her through one from the shower. I didn't know how intense things were - I'd never done this before! and so I kept telling her it was fine and she didn't need to come yet. After the shower I walked back downstairs and realized I didn't want to talk to Timon or Kali anymore, I just wanted to go inside myself and be with what was happening. Kali still didn't want me in the tub, so she set me up on the couch in deep relaxation pose, with my palms up and my feet turned out. I have done this pose countless times in yoga classes and anytime I need to calm and relax myself, and so it instantly clicked and I went into a deep meditation. (It is the frequency of doing deep relaxation rather than the pose itself that made it so useful.)
I closed my eyes and released everything - all intentions, all muscle control, all desire. I just observed with utter fascination all the things happening within and around me. I told the universe to do whatever it needed to do to birth this baby. I immediately felt physically connected to the extreme forcefulness of life. With my eyes closed I was suddenly surrounded by a whirring black space, with thousands of tiny specks of stars in every direction. Things were moving very very fast, and it was a bit like being on a gravity ride at an amusement park - strong pulls on my body, and if I looked out too far or lost concentration then I would begin to feel dizzy. I was continually telling myself to let go. With every release the faster and harder the "ride" spun. It was exhilarating. And so very very fast and large. Things were moving in a pattern though, it wasn't chaos or strange or confusing. From all this outer space and stars and from every direction, came giant swells of movement, entering me from my extremities - head, fingers and toes, and moved along my body to my center, my solar plexus, my uterus, to surround Oona. Over and over, like waves in four demensional space. By the fourth dimension, I mean something interior, in addition to height, width and depth. An additional something "inside" normal perception.
I was very quiet through all of this, and I have foggy memories of cracking open my eyelids and seeing Kali and Timon discussing where I was in the labor, as they couldn't tell since I wasn't communicating or expressive. Anne called again, asking if she should come yet, and they didn't know what to tell her. A phone was pressed against my ear and Anne said I needed to be the one to tell her if she should come. I said "yes" without thinking and sunk back into the middle of labor. Soon I asked Kali if I could get in the tub and she said she guessed it was fine. They helped me get in, and I suddenly woke up to my surroundings. I looked directly at Timon and said, "Oh no. I want to push. NOW". Timon said he and Kali looked at each other and had a silent exchange where they both knew that if necessary they could birth Oona without Anne. Of course, they immediately called her back and Anne said it would take her at least an hour to get to us, and to get me out of the tub. Back to the living room couch, where Kali helped me to breathe through the contractions, which were now very powerful urges to push. Kali wouldn't let me look anywhere but in her eyes and she stayed right there with me. It was difficult after relinquishing control to suddenly have some intention over my body. The moment Anne walked through the door I was up and they helped me to the tub. I held on to Timon, my very strong, very loving support, in all senses of those words, and he held me while I pushed, and Oona came out 30 minutes later, birthed into the water and into our arms. It all felt so normal, the whole thing, until the haze lifted a couple weeks later, when we realized the space we were in was in fact so special.
And then of course, we began the long, sometimes painful, sometimes fun, always profound process of learning what being a parent means. We shed our old selves, slowly and without much awareness, to make room for a tiny little person with very simple communication skills, and to make room for our new selves as papa and mama, whoever they might be. Now a year later I look at Timon and feel a flood of gratitude so strong that I want to fall on my knees, because I cannot believe I get to do this with him. Despite my best attempts at awareness, I did not know until many months later that during the labor what allowed me to feel safe, to feel secure and confident enough to let go, was Timon, and his confidence and love for me. Not to say that this ride is over by any means, for now when I look at our little family, I am amazed to watch all three of us unfold together.
There are two other people in addition to the cast above who made such an amazing birth experience possible: my parents. They showed me how to live joyfully, to let go, to trust life and be unafraid of wild new rides. And Oona's birth is truly one of the greatest adventures of my life.
